'life after love' happened when I woke up one day, and life was.. peaceful. My heart is calm and grateful. My anxiety is at a manageable (dare I say normal?) level. And life felt genuinely okay.
It may seem overdramatic to take years to heal from a breakup. It took a lot of time and therapy to be able to deprogram my brain from believing someone was “The One” and to let go of the guilt of walking away. It was not an easy decision to leave, but one I had to do in order to protect my sanity. I had been so used to having someone's arms to run to when things got tough, and not having that when things are shitty was rough.
Instead of reaching out for the wrong reasons, I decided to write him letters. I wrote about staring at that green icon, knowing he’s online, and just a message away. I wrote about the memes I wished I could send. I wrote about all the words I wished I said. I wrote about how scared I was to love again, the same way I did with him. I wrote in the backseats of cars, drunk in a bathtub in a secluded villa alone, after a surgery where I had no one with me, and sitting on a curb outside of a nightclub sobbing. I wrote every single time I wished he was right there.
Before I knew it, I had 2 years' worth of letters lying around - unsent and unread.
Eventually, the gaps between letters became longer, and the letters no longer reek of hurt or anger. One day, I realized that it had been months since I last wrote a letter. So with a new perspective and a heart that has somewhat healed, I finally took the time to reread all of it. It was a bittersweet experience. Half of them, I was rightfully angry, and the other half made me cringe about how actual proper communication would have benefitted me. In some letters, I now can see how extremely selfish and unfair I was. And yet there were some that took me back to moments of utter despair.
The entire experience of writing - and eventually reading - the letters was cathartic. Every single letter was one step into moving forward with my life. I still cried myself to sleep that night. But when I woke up the next day, my life and my heart were still how it was - calm and peaceful.
And I couldn't be more grateful for this 'life after love'.