never-ending hurt (depression)

*661 days after love*

Months after our breakup, you forced a conversation in your car at 3 AM. In a fit of anger, I haphazardly packed all traces of us in a box and tried to forget it exists.

Today I finally opened it. I cried at every single thing - movie/bus stubs all the way from 2008, empty chocolate boxes, dried petals, photobooth prints from around the world, and your letters. You've only written me apology letters - including the one you wrote for my last birthday that we spent as a couple. Aside from not getting a gift, I spent it extremely frustrated with one of our recurring issues. That was when I started to wonder if this is how the rest of our life is going to be.

Saw our joint passbook and was reminded of uncontrollably sobbing at the bank.

Our therapy journal is also there. He told me that all I should do was tell you my needs/boundaries, not enforce them, and observe your actions instead. So in the last 6 months of our relationship – I said nothing. I let you make promises, only to watch you break them over and over.

2 nights before we broke up – I just started crying and couldn’t stop. You were playing online with your friends, but you went over to hug me and give me a kiss.

And then you went back to playing.

I cried myself to sleep that night. Alone. In your bed.

You felt it was unfair when you “just needed more time to prove that you can do better”. But that night in your bed – I’ve never felt lonelier. And you were just a meter away.

This box is brimming with souvenirs of our relationship. You took me kite-flying cos I once said in passing that I’ve never done it. Found the fishing toy you got me for my 24th - I told you I’ve always wanted one when I was a kid. The complete set of Happy Meal Hello Kitty toys that you collected by driving to all branches in 3 cities to cheer me up cos I was going through a hard time. Remnants from that Christmas when your family opened your doors for mine cos my mom just died.

You did give me gifts. The best ones. And maybe that’s why this box that’s been left open and messy has been so hard to close and leave behind.

'never-ending hurt' is for the sad girls after all the happy memories.

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