you're losing me

They say that to be loved is to be seen. Back then, there was never a day where you never said you loved me, but I didn’t know when I started to be invisible. I now look at old photos and find the smiling young girl in them unrecognizable. Years has passed yet it’s been inevitable to think about you on the most random occasions.

I decided that I wanted to go to grad school and briefly wondered if you went back too.

I thought of you for a second while I was in the process of buying my first car because you taught me how to drive.

My sister mentioned that she missed seeing my eyes sparkle with passion, and a thought flashed by of how you found me overwhelming.

I’m making attempts to give the people I love the grace to learn from their mistakes and the space to grow instead of holding on to their potential the way I did with you.

I’d bump into your family and hope they’re doing well, even though I would never go and talk to them.

I’m hyper-independent and failed to make you feel needed, so I learned how to rely on the people who love me, and they showed up for me every single time.

My best friend is getting married to the guy she introduced us to.. and I’m reminded how you never saw a future with me.

“Hindi siya malambing” as how you described me in couples therapy, lives rent-free in my head as I consciously express my affection to the new person I’m dating. I’m slowly learning how to fight, and then talk, instead of giving in to the comfort of shutting down.

I lost so much of myself when every part of me that loved you died a slow and silent death. You never sought out to hurt me, but it was the complacency and inconsistency that killed my self-esteem. You are genuinely a good person - but you weren’t good to my heart.

The aftermath brought out the worst in me. But time has a way of letting me sift through the pieces so I can rebuild myself with only the best pieces from our past. I had to get to the point of giving everything I had for potential happiness until I was left empty - only to be able to fill myself back up again with love that is tangible and real.

‘you’re losing me’ is for the sad girls who lost love but gained a brand new life to live.

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