scared to be happy

My toxic trait is if I don’t see a red flag / he’s emotionally healthy for me / he managed to make my heart flutter - he gets cut off very quickly. And no matter how hard I try to fight it, the panic sets in at the idea of being vulnerable again. Therapy can call it “trauma response” all day long, but it’s not gonna stop me from running away.

Don’t get me wrong - I have thoroughly enjoyed playing catch up with all the growing I needed to do alone.

But there are days when I wish I can just get past this mental hurdle and let someone actually see me. Not just the different personas I put on for various people or the branding I gave myself online.

I yearn for the intimacy of taking my clothes off and knowing that every single inch of my exposed skin is loved and accepted.

That with every hug, someone would run their fingers over scars that have yet to fade and they would cry at the thought of how much my wounds must have hurt. To have someone who'll understand that I am going to struggle with giving my trust again but I'm trying - and would never do anything to make me doubt.

I want someone to care enough to call me out when I self-sabotage and be able to forgive me when I inevitably mess up.

I long for someone to feel secure with, who would show me that we're on the same page with their actions.

I'm hoping for someone out there who won't resent the things I love about myself and will not make me feel that who I am is too much. I never want to feel tolerated, I want to feel like I'm more than enough for someone to actively want a future with.

I daydream of the day when I can vulnerably share all the chaos in my head and still have them genuinely believe that “she’s the one - the person I’m spending the rest of my life with”.. and actually make it happen.

I'll never know if I never try. But I've experienced gambling and going all-in on something that seemed to be a sure win. Only to lose it all and have my world crash down around me.

I don't think my patched-up heart can go through all that hurt again.

'scared to be happy' is for the sad girls who are trapped in the walls they built around themselves.

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