sad beautiful tragic

(480 days after 'us')

Today we had a calm and heartfelt conversation. Our first after more than a year of silence. And to be completely honest, I wanted to prolong it. I missed talking to you. I missed our banter. I missed having someone I could talk to about anything and everything with absolutely no filter. With you, I was me. And without you, I was lost.

You told me you found my courage to end things between us admirable. I wonder if you knew just exactly how hard it was for me. I went back and forth with myself so many times and up until now, I’m not sure if I made the right decision of staying away. Maybe you can change. Maybe I can change. For you. For us. For the life that we planned to live together.

There are so many what-ifs in my head. It might seem like I don’t want to talk to you. But you have no idea that I do. I really, truly do. You’re the one person I want to talk to the most whenever and whatever I’m going through.

But I’m terrified. What if your hands break my heart again? What then? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If I willingly come running back to you and you hurt me again, then what does that make me?

Maybe it’s pride. Maybe it’s fear. But I’m not ready. I don’t think I will ever be.

I miss you. I love you. But everything between us has made me so anxious and confused.

Whenever I think about the inevitable day you finally move on from me – my chest starts hurting. The idea that the two of us can no longer go back hurts. But the idea of going back has made me scared of getting hurt again. Of all people, you’re the one I least expected to hurt me. Maybe that’s why the hurt lingers on. And maybe, it’s why reminders of our good times still bring me pain.

I miss you. I love you. I still can’t say I loved you.

Because I still do. I wish I don’t. But I do.

Maybe one day I am no longer going to hurt. And that’s when I can say with finality - it is over, but it was magic.

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