never enough

My mom caught me dating behind her back in high school. It was the first time she told me that whenever I make any decision, I do it three times: the first for myself, and the latter for my siblings who will follow in my footsteps. So I never took detours from the safest route and made sure to clear the path for them too.

I was fresh out of college when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I took over managing the household, keeping track of my mom's palliative care, showing up for my siblings, noting every peso spent, and chipping in my own money to keep us afloat.

I got the news through three short words via text. I didn't have time to grieve—I just hit the ground running. I dealt with her funeral and everything that came with it. At 24, I didn’t know life without my mom. I was in a mess of relief, grief.. guilt over feeling relief that mom no longer had to suffer, and we could finally live a day without watching her die right in front of our eyes.

Not only did my mom have the audacity to die, the other parent I was supposed to rely on was missing. During the years that followed, I felt like I was sitting with my back against a cliff, making sure no one else fell while I struggled to maintain my balance. Falling off is not an option.

At the peak of my resentment, I’ve always wondered where I would be if my mom had never died. I love my siblings and don’t regret the choices I made, but I think I’ll always wonder how I would have turned out if I didn’t have to take on that responsibility.

I proceeded to date boys with moms who asked me to take care of them, to make sure they grew into men. I found myself feeling stuck in relationships where I didn't feel like a partner—am I just another mother?

I persist, persist, persist. Yet I can't seem to shake off the shackles of the curse of being the eldest daughter: ever so reliable, never fully free.

Sometimes, I'd have conversations with people about having kids. But it feels like I haven’t had the time to function as an adult without taking care of someone. I am my mother's legacy, a sister to rely on in emergencies... but who's gonna take care of me?

'never enough' is for the sad girls and all their pent-up rage

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