clear skies

Gymnopédie No. 1 was the first piece I learned when my mom put me in piano lessons as a kid. It was also the only piece in my repertoire as I subsequently quit and moved on to other hobbies. I can still remember the tune but I no longer know how to play it.

I grew up with the ability to pick things up, learn them quickly, drop them just as fast, and forget them as if they never happened. Recently, it has felt like I’m back to being a kid, taking baby steps and learning new skills, so I can go out into the world again.

Right now, it’s as if life has once again handed me sheets with notes I’m unfamiliar with — that I have yet to learn and master. Fate acting similar to the strict piano teacher from my childhood, her stick lightly hitting the back of my hands at every single mistake.

My stiff fingers try to find the keys to living life after violently losing a loved one in such a permanent, sudden, and unexpected way. Trying to play melodies by ear because they seem to be something I already am familiar with, as I grapple with being single again after spending nearly a total of three years on a whirlwind rollercoaster of a romantic entanglement.

I find myself playing something for beginners because even if I should already be an expert at moving on and dealing with grief, everything still feels raw and new.

I can sit here until my fingers get well acquainted with the keys again, but I’ve just been subconsciously slamming against the keys off beat. I can look back at how I found it hard to play with small hands then. In the process of growing, my hands have become battered from being forcefully pried off every single thing I’ve loved that I held on to as if my life depended on it. I smash the keys in the hopes I can learn this old new tune only to never play it again.

These hands are tired. And even when amazing things fall into my grasp, I sit here, facing the music, completely numb, lost, and confused. But time only moves forward, and regardless if it’s filled with good and bad, it will pass.

‘clear skies’ is for the sad girls in the process of healing ❤️‍🩹

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