clean

Lights flicker in this crowded room, and yet I’m standing here feeling lost. It’s a new year. I’ve lost so much weight, physically and off my chest. We’ve been over for 10 months now but I still can’t help it.

It’s a Saturday.. no, a Sunday morning, and I’m on my nth glass of sangria, drops of them on a dress you’ve never taken off me. I’m out drinking with friends you’ve never met. My skin got tattoos you’ve never seen. I cut the hair I was trying to grow for a wedding we’ll never have. And I’m now swaying to music we’ve never listened to together.

I type your username and see you online.

“Hi” sounds too impersonal. Back to the drawing board.

“Kamusta?” at midnight from almost a year of no contact just seems weird. The last time we talked, you called me cruel for completely cutting you off.

“I miss” – ugh no. Scratch that.

But what I really need you to know is that - you may not understand now, but the kindest thing I can do for you and I is stay away. Because I still have your username at the tip of my fingertips whenever it’s itching to send a message from my false alcohol-fueled bravery. I like to stare at that green icon, knowing that it’s midnight and you’re still awake, probably talking to someone else. I wonder if you still spend your Saturday nights playing games or talking shit with your friends I’ve never liked. When you get to bed tonight, will you be soundly asleep til late the next morning?

I type multiple variations of the same message but never send them out.

Lights flicker in this crowded room, but I’m able to stand here, after months of feeling like I was paralyzed. It’s a new chapter. I’ve gained back so much of myself after losing you. We’ve been over for 10 months now, even though I believed we would be forever.

Somehow I just know that one morning, I’ll wake up and I’ll be free from you. Maybe not today. But one day. And I’m looking forward to it.

‘clean’ is for the sad girls in their healing era🍷

scent strength guide