bye bye baby

I was 27 when a faint second line on a test kit changed the course of my life.

The moment that second line appeared - all I could feel was sheer fear. It was the first time that I truly had to confront how I wanted my life to turn out. I can afford to raise a child and I was in a long-term relationship. Being pregnant would not be the worst thing that could happen to me. As a matter of fact, it was what was expected of me.

But it made me look at the person I was with to see if I genuinely believed he was someone I wanted to raise a child with. I had to critically look at my lifestyle, my dreams, and my goals - and ask myself if I 100% wanted the lifetime commitment of being someone’s parent. A few days later, I went to my first therapy session. Six months after, I walked away from that relationship.

My 20s were supposed to be my “selfish” years. I was 21 when I had to take on the role of my mom. Instead of walking in my mother’s shoes with ease, I stumbled and tripped and fell over and over that the wounds have yet to turn into scars still. I always wondered if this kind of life was one my mom would choose for herself if she had known how hard it would be. Because I wasn’t sure if I would even want it for me.

I was 30 when I was advised to seek out a doctor immediately after my annual executive checkup results came out. It turns out my chances at becoming a mom are limited. Not impossible, but it might as well be. I flashback to the relief I felt at 27 when the blood test came out negative. And yet, remember the unexplainable feeling of grief crashing down at potentially losing the option to become someone’s biological mother. All my life, I was told that women are meant to be moms. Who will I be if the future I was supposed to work towards was uncertain?

I was 15 when I watched my mom’s heart break into so many pieces. But she held me with a smile, and held on to her sanity because we had no one else but her. I hated her sacrifice. Because I don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone as unconditionally as she loved her children.

'bye bye baby' is for the sad girls who are torn between maybe I won’t and maybe I can’t.

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