bye bye baby

I was 27 when a faint second line on a test kit changed the course of my life.

The moment that second line appeared - all I could feel was sheer fear. It was the first time that I truly had to confront how I wanted my life to turn out. I can afford to raise a child and I was in a long-term relationship. Being pregnant would not be the worst thing that could happen to me. As a matter of fact, it was what was expected of me.

But it made me look at the person I was with to see if I genuinely believed he was someone I wanted to raise a child with. I had to critically look at my lifestyle, my dreams, and my goals - and ask myself if I 100% wanted the lifetime commitment of being someone’s parent. A few days later, I went to my first therapy session. Six months after, I walked away from that relationship.

My 20s were supposed to be my “selfish” years. I was 21 when I had to take on the role of my mom. Instead of walking in my mother’s shoes with ease, I stumbled and tripped and fell over and over that the wounds have yet to turn into scars still. I always wondered if this kind of life was one my mom would choose for herself if she had known how hard it would be. Because I wasn’t sure if I would even want it for me.

I was 30 when I was advised to seek out a doctor immediately after my annual executive checkup results came out. It turns out my chances at becoming a mom are limited. Not impossible, but it might as well be. I flashback to the relief — and guilt — I felt at 27 when I didn’t end up with a child. And yet, remember the unexplainable feeling of grief crashing down at potentially losing the option to become someone’s biological mother. All my life, I was told that women are meant to be moms. Who will I be if the future I was supposed to work towards was uncertain?

I was 15 when I watched my mom’s heart break into so many pieces. But she held me with a smile, and held on to her sanity because we had no one else but her. I hated her sacrifice. Because I don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone as unconditionally as she loved her children.

'bye bye baby' is for the sad girls who are torn between maybe I won’t and maybe I can’t.

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